


Drunk

by excuseme_howdareyou



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Drunken Shenanigans, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:14:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27110281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/excuseme_howdareyou/pseuds/excuseme_howdareyou
Summary: Dick has the best ideas when he's three sheets to the wind.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 78





	Drunk

**Emotion: Joyful. Any of the batkids. Word: Drunk**

There was a squeaking sound in the manor. No, not a squeak. More of a… yap. A yipping, yapping noise, and so far in the distance that at first Bruce brushed it off as echoes from the bats. But as he ascended out of the cave into the manor, the noise only increased instead of decreased.

So no, it wasn’t the bats.

As Bruce ventured further into the manor, searching for the source of the noise, he wondered where everybody was at. The only one he was able to find right away was Alfred, who was chopping up cooked chicken in the kitchen. (Strange, considering the time of night, Bruce thought at the moment, but brushed it off as perhaps Alfred preparing a meal for tomorrow.)

“Alfred, have you seen the kids?” he asked.

“Everyone arrived home about an hour or so ago, Master Bruce,” Alfred replied,” None worse for wear.”

‘ _Well that didn’t sound too bad,’_ Bruce thought, though a bit surprised. “Really? No fights? I could’ve sworn Jason mentioned they were going out for drinks tonight…” Then again, it was entirely possibly his second eldest son could’ve been pulling his leg. Neither Tim nor Damian were old enough to drink and Bruce couldn’t see either of them willing to go bar hopping with their older brothers and sister. 

Alfred went back to chopping up chicken into teeny tiny pieces. “No fights,” he reaffirmed.

“Well, where are they?”

If he didn’t know any better, Bruce would’ve  _sworn_ he saw an infinitesimal smile on Alfred’s face. “ They’re around here somewhere, I’d imagine,” was all he said. 

Thoroughly confused, Bruce left the kitchen, off in search of that  _ip-ip-ip_ sound. 

It was only when he reached the parlor that he realized the noise actually  _was_ . “Puppies?” he blinked in astonishment, which quickly turned into a mix of annoyance and anger,”  _Boys!_ ”

No reply came, of course, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t follow the sound of yipping _puppies_ all the way from the parlor to the family wing. The closer he got, the louder it became, intermixed with telltale “Shhhh!”s and “Quiet down, Theodore.” ( _Theodore???)_ Until finally he stopped in front of Dick’s room. For politeness’ sake, he knocked on the door three times. Also because he really found the panicked cries of “Oh shit, it’s Bruce!” highly entertaining. 

“Quick, think of something!” Jason hissed loudly, though he probably thought he was being quiet.

“What do you suggest we do? It’s not like was can pretend we’re not here and hope he goes away.” Damian, ever the pragmatic.

“Tim, you’re the sneaky bastard of the family. Do something.”

“Why do I gotta do something _?_ This is all Dick’s fault.”

Bruce knocked on the door -loudly, with the flat of his palm- three more times before throwing it open.

The sight of all five of his children with their arms full of puppies was both expected and yet still surprisingly jarring.  As was the wide eyed, deer in the headlights look each and every one of them had. Yes, even Cassandra.  Who he could admit, looked absolutely adorable with a golden retriever puppy snuggling in her arms and chewing playfully on her fingers.

(Jason was, unsurprisingly, trying to gently wrestle a pillow away from  another one)

“Father, we can explain!” Damian was the first to speak up, but it was Tim who finished for him.

“It was Dick who brought them home!”

Dick… Richard John Grayson, his eldest son and who at one point was assumed to be the most mature of all his children… had nothing to say for himself.

Though that might have been because he was currently sitting on the floor, getting run over by no less than three puppies and giggling up a storm. “Dick…” Bruce shook his head, exasperated,”  Where on earth did you get seven puppies?”

With giggles intermixed by random hiccups (was he  _ drunk _ ?), Dick sat up and grinned at his dad. “San-Sandy down on 64 th ,” he answered,” She had puppies! Well, not her really, but her dog. Her dog had puppies, Bruce! And they’re so cute and her apartment’s really small and you know puppies need a lot of room and exercise and running around and a small apartment isn’t a good place to raise seven puppers.” 

“She was gonna bring them to the pound, Father,” Damian interjected, sounding absolutely horrified by the prospect,” The _pound_.”

Even Tim wholeheartedly agreed with him. Which says a lot considering they don’t agree on  _ anything _ . “Have you  _ seen _ that place, Bruce? They have way too much of an overcrowding issue as it is.” Bruce peered closer at Tim; were his cheeks redder than usual?

“So it was really you two who had the idea to bring them here?” he asked suspiciously.

“They’re _mine_!” Dick shouted suddenly,” I’m taking them all home with meeeeeee!” He fell once more into a fit of giggles when one puppy jumped up to nip at his face. Bruce could only watch in growing defeat as Dick fell backwards onto the floor and got promptly run over by puppies. 

H e sighed,” Dick… son, you can’t take seven puppies home with you to Bludhaven.”

“I can and I _will_!” came the slurred reply,” I’m a-” Dick hiccuped,” I’m a grown man and yuuu can’t stahp me, Brue!” 

‘ _How much has he had to drink tonight?’_ Bruce wondered idly, then looked to his other children for help.

(He really should’ve known better)

“He’s not keeping all seven, B,” Jason reassured. It was not particularly reassuring, as when Bruce glanced over on the bed, Cassandra was carefully tying a blue ribbon around one puppy in place of a collar and Damian was still repeatedly calling the one he was holding ‘Theodore’.

‘ _Oh no, don’t tell me…’_ His eyes widened upon realization, but before he could voice his absolute refusal, Jason hefted up on pup under his left arm,” Meet Fuzz…” Then a second puppy under his other arm,” ….and Buster.”

As if on cue, Buster howled at Bruce. 

Tim was no better than the rest of his siblings. Of them all, he’d picked the calmest of the pups, sitting quietly on the bed with it sitting peacefully in his lap. “Leslie’s been telling me to get a therapy dog, Bruce,” he said quietly, but with that wicked gleam in his eye that said he knew exactly how he was pulling at Bruce’s heartstrings. 

“I don’t think this is what she meant when she-” he started to argue but then made the mistake of looking at Cass.

Without breaking eye contact, she leaned over and ruffled first Tim’s hair, then the puppy’s head, and said,”  It’ll be g ood for little brother.”

‘ _I….’_ He could only open and shut his mouth without saying a word. In the end, he could only accept defeat and retreated from the room without a word. 

(An hour later, Alfred found him in the library searching for any books about dog training.)


End file.
